Some Notes About A Girl

She has been in my life now since 1992. That's quite a stretch of time. She has been my girl on the side, my lover, my slave, and my friend. I've watched her grow from being a tough, very rough around the edges butch-dyke kid to being a capable, lovely, sweet, intelligent feminine woman. Ours has been a rocky, rocky path. I am incredibly hard to live with (and I don't just mean co-habitate), and very unforgiving of boundary breaches. Somehow I have made space for forgiveness with her on several occasions, as she has for me. I don't believe that there has been another soul in the world to whom I've granted such impunity. There's just something about this girl...

To look in her eyes and see the magnitude of her love is purely daunting, even still. I cannot keep looking there, because it is not in me to fully return that kind of love -- not, I believe, to anyone. My independence keeps me isolated, demands that I hold back from full engagement. She pays a price for this dance, this I know. And yet, she is still here. To be loved unconditionally, without reserve, it is not a thing for which I'd ever ask or seek. But, it is the gift she gives me. She will no longer let me hurt her heart, as she has grown into the fullness of her adulthood. For this, I am deeply grateful.

For my part, I give my best. I try to share my life without inviting her in to places I know that I will regret letting someone share. That's a thing I am slowly learning. As a solitary being, I have to work my discipline and NOT open places where I know, ultimately, I will want to keep private. She has suffered my clumsiness in this regard. That is my own journey with grace. How does one live a private life without unwittingly offending those I love by keeping private? A definite work in progress.

She is coming for Christmas. Neither of us celebrates Christmas, but we will celebrate one another during these sweet days as we partake in whatever adventures I concoct and in which she is happily complicit. I'm looking forward to sweet sleepy muzzy mornings with the crossword puzzles and her soft body, so ready for my touch. She's a gift, and I love her.