Some Notes About A Girl

She has been in my life now since 1992. That's quite a stretch of time. She has been my girl on the side, my lover, my slave, and my friend. I've watched her grow from being a tough, very rough around the edges butch-dyke kid to being a capable, lovely, sweet, intelligent feminine woman. Ours has been a rocky, rocky path. I am incredibly hard to live with (and I don't just mean co-habitate), and very unforgiving of boundary breaches. Somehow I have made space for forgiveness with her on several occasions, as she has for me. I don't believe that there has been another soul in the world to whom I've granted such impunity. There's just something about this girl...

To look in her eyes and see the magnitude of her love is purely daunting, even still. I cannot keep looking there, because it is not in me to fully return that kind of love -- not, I believe, to anyone. My independence keeps me isolated, demands that I hold back from full engagement. She pays a price for this dance, this I know. And yet, she is still here. To be loved unconditionally, without reserve, it is not a thing for which I'd ever ask or seek. But, it is the gift she gives me. She will no longer let me hurt her heart, as she has grown into the fullness of her adulthood. For this, I am deeply grateful.

For my part, I give my best. I try to share my life without inviting her in to places I know that I will regret letting someone share. That's a thing I am slowly learning. As a solitary being, I have to work my discipline and NOT open places where I know, ultimately, I will want to keep private. She has suffered my clumsiness in this regard. That is my own journey with grace. How does one live a private life without unwittingly offending those I love by keeping private? A definite work in progress.

She is coming for Christmas. Neither of us celebrates Christmas, but we will celebrate one another during these sweet days as we partake in whatever adventures I concoct and in which she is happily complicit. I'm looking forward to sweet sleepy muzzy mornings with the crossword puzzles and her soft body, so ready for my touch. She's a gift, and I love her.

On Being a Circus Oddity

My life is decidedly outside the mainstream, as are the lives of many I know and love. It doesn't feel weird to me, it's just me in my skin doing what I do. To others, my being a polyamorus kinky bisexual Dominant former lesbian now straight.ish, seems often to be cause for curiousity. Sometimes close friends sometimes are impatient for my next adventure. I don't mind that so much, as I love to tell stories from time to time, especially those wherein I'm an idiot in some way or other. But, I do not much like to feel as though I'm a circus act. That purely chaps my former cowgirl hide.

Last evening I met a man who basically interviewed me for an hour and a half before I finally said NO MORE. Getting to know someone -- I seem to recollect that works best when it's a dialog, not an interogation. I get that we learn from others' experience. Naive and unchecked curiosity is tedious. Do your homework on a subject and learn online or something. Or, at least make sure you're not talking with a curmudgeon who, despite being freakish, prefers to choose with whom and how much she shares her freakishness.